I Moved Again to Get Away From My Problems but Now Its Worse

17 Apr 2019

Terminal year nosotros asked our Instagram followers how they recognise when they need more cocky-care. Some people referenced physical symptoms like tension headaches, spots, illness, being run downwards, fatigue, and others talked most mental symptoms similar non existence able to concentrate or speak properly, forgetfulness, low, anxiety and tension.

A younger me was terrible at self-care

I could relate totally to everything that was said, and I have learned the hard way over the years that self-care really is essential to my happiness and wellbeing. A younger, more naïve me was terrible at self-care and excellent at self-destruction. And I didn't realise at that place was a trouble with this, which was the dangerous part.

I chose cocky-destruction instead of cocky-care

Cocky-destruction for me in my belatedly teens and early on 20s entailed non eating properly or well, drinking and smoking besides much, not sleeping enough, not doing anything that gave me purpose outside of studies or work (like a hobby), hanging around with the people that weren't good for me, and not exercising or doing anything sport our outdoors related. It was all almost socialising and partying. And I wasn't happy. I was very insecure and didn't actually like or know myself.

I wasn't happy. I was very insecure and didn't really like or know myself.

Ironically, the reason I was into backlog around booze or partying in general was partly because that's just what everyone around me did, and partly because I believed that there was a purpose to information technology, i.e. ''having a proficient fourth dimension'' and that it would brand me feel amend. I also loved music and that went hand in manus with going out.

I had a safe and sheltered childhood and loving parents. But following a big motility from the North to the S at an early on age, a bit of bullying at school, and being shy I struggled a lot with my identity and self-esteem from a young age. I started to rebel a bit at school. I sought out naughty kids to hang out with, talked back to teachers, and never really liked authorisation or being told what to do or how to exist. I am also quite impulsive and used to get carried abroad with doing things I knew I shouldn't, and and then experience terrible about it later. I also found from an early age that I battled mood swings a lot. Being a perfectionist even as a child though, I wanted to excel academically so made sure I got good grades despite emotional and behavioural difficulties.

I also think when you've been a bit sheltered, you're intrigued by the things everyone tells you are bad. ''What was and then wrong with taking drugs'' I used to think, ''and being upwards all night in dodgy places?'' The thought of it was interesting for me not frightening.

When I left home I went downwards a bad road

When I left home, peculiarly every bit the oldest child with no sibling role model to warn me, and no self awareness of my emotional instability issues, I went downwardly a bad road. I felt immune to self-care, or I hadn't heard of it. I didn't look unhealthy, I was a normal weight and my hair and skin were alright. I didn't become ill much. I was able to piece of work a job at weekends at university on no slumber. And then, I used to presume that I was fine. I got past but never actually thrived in whatsoever way.

My lifestyle was bad for my mental wellness

I never thought about how my poor mental wellness was in any way related to my lifestyle. But the reality was that as early on as xvi I was going too far and couldn't handle what I was putting in my torso; I was always sick afterward drinking and I always had terrible patches in my memory and feelings of shame and regret the adjacent morning.

At university my emotional instability came to a head and I was unable to control my moods or behaviour. I would ofttimes go out and start crying for no reason at all. I had no respect for myself and I often put myself at risk. I sought approval from people who didn't care about me and looked for love in the incorrect places.

My health was my terminal priority

My health was my last priority. I was deeply unhappy, was punching walls and kicking doors with acrimony and frustration and pain myself. I took myself to hospital ane evening because I felt suicidal. I would always wake upwards in the morning time hungover and humiliated pretending to my 'friends' that I was fine. They of course were at the finish of their tether with my behaviour because they didn't realise I was mentally unwell (or didn't desire to deal with information technology). I didn't take the force or stamina to cope with the lifestyle I was imposing on myself. Just I was ignoring that.

I was deeply unhappy, was punching walls and kicking doors with anger and frustration and hurting myself. I took myself to hospital one evening considering I felt suicidal.

Commencement step to cocky-care was cocky-sensation

I call up the commencement step towards self-care is self-sensation. An awareness of how bad things may take got for you, and that this must change. In that location is no weakness in this, it is laudable, and it is positive. Being in denial about yourself and your problems is a dangerous game. One time y'all've identified a trouble y'all can kickoff to change it. So, this is what I did.

I also developed an anxiety disorder in my early 20s that suddenly made me worry about literally everything to exercise with my wellness. Then strangely it was also my anxiety that got me into self-care.

The kickoff matter I did was get back into exercise

I of the first things I did to feel better was to get back into exercise, anile 23. I started to run effectually the local park past my house in Leytonstone for about 15-twenty minutes at a time. I didn't accept the gear or the thought at this stage. I was getting breathless quickly and I was running in sometime dress and Converse, but it was a start.

Running and so extended to free exercise classes at the Nike shop in Oxford Circus, but I credit this entirely to my friend Lauren who introduced these classes to me. We and then signed up to a few 10ks together. I was feeling expert about my new-constitute honey of exercise. I had a natural athletic ability at school that had been lost over years of unhealthy living and was now rearing its head once more.

I signed upwards to my first one-half marathon

Somewhen I signed upward to my starting time half marathon with my mum in 2015. We ran for Listen and raised over £500. Information technology was great, and very cathartic. Running such a long altitude is and so challenging and the feeling you get when you reach something similar that it is truly unique.

It is said that for some people exercise is as good at treating their depression as antidepressants. Everyone's experience is different of course, merely enquiry has shown that the endorphins released through exercise lift and regulate mood and energy, and that a good for you mind is linked to a healthy body.

Nowadays I go to the gym a couple of times a calendar week

Nowadays I dear going to the gym a couple of times a week. Weight classes to music are so therapeutic. I also enjoy playing lawn tennis, specially the sense of satisfaction I get from whacking a ball across a court. I've done a few ballet courses likewise – and observe the classes allow me to take my mind off things for an hour.

Weight classes to music are so therapeutic - I find the classes let me to take my mind off things for an hour.

Another step I took towards self-care was meditation

Some other stride I took towards self-care was meditation. I was very lucky that there was a trained mindfulness coach working in the Communications team where I worked at 24 who, together with a clinical psychologist friend, began a costless 8-week mindfulness course in my office. I went along to this at a fourth dimension when my anxiety was awful, and I was having panic attacks a lot, even at work. I had sort of reached a drastic state where I wasn't making any progress fighting off the anxiety.

I will never forget the feeling of total relief after my outset proper meditation session. Information technology was like ecstasy without a drug. I was completely calm and at ease with myself and my listen just seemed to go completely quiet. I remember thinking I'd beloved to live the rest of my life like this. I cried I was and then happy that I'd finally found something that gave me peace. And from then on, I was committed to the course and to training my mind to not auto-switch into the fight or flight response.

I will never forget the feeling of total relief after my first proper meditation session. Information technology was like ecstasy without a drug.

I still believe it was meditation that enabled me to break free from the panic assault cycle. Nowadays I try and meditate equally often equally I tin can. I think it is one of the most caring things y'all can do for myself. It is clinically proven to reduce low and feet symptoms and re-wire the brain, which I think is incredible and can reassure people who've lost promise with other treatments, as I had. It also brings you lot into the nowadays moment, so your life doesn't merely pass yous by.

Other lifestyle changes that I made

I decided to make some lifestyle changes in my mid-20s. I had started to get quite bad 'health feet' anyway. I would convince myself that I had a symptom of a terminal illness frequently.

Reduced smoking

I started to remember almost what smoking was doing to my lungs and alcohol to my liver. I was worried about the affect of a party lifestyle on my brain. A lot of my anxieties were over exaggerated and irrational (if I had a headache, information technology must exist a brain tumour, that kind of affair), because I had an anxiety disorder, but I also recognised that if I took care of myself the feet may subside.

Reduced caffeine and alcohol

I no longer felt able to cope with old vices the same way as I had at university. I gradually became a master of moderation. When my anxiety was terrible, I had to cutting out caffeine and booze almost completely, because I was overly afflicted past stimulants and depressants. Now that my anxiety disorder has subsided, I tin drink alcohol and caffeine but I'm conscientious about how much I accept. I still love going out and dancing. Information technology is wrapped up in my love of music. Merely I know when to stop. I don't become so drunk I can't recall anything anymore.

I rarely smoke at present and if I exercise, I tell myself information technology's something I do on occasion (considering I enjoy it with a beverage). Nigh of the time though I can weigh up the benefit of having a cigarette with the drawback and convince myself, even when drunk, that the cons outweigh the pros. I've tried to be less impulsive.

Started to eat well

I've realised the importance of eating well as I've got older. When I was younger, I never idea near nutrition and how of import information technology was to give your torso skillful food. I judged whether I was doing ok or non based on whether I'd put on weight or not.

I became a vegetarian past the age of 24, and I was diagnosed with coeliac disease at 27, which came as a shock as I had quite 'silent' symptoms. There is no cure for coeliac disease, and I must strictly avoid gluten for the rest of my life. Every bit I take restrictions on my diet, it has made me fifty-fifty more conscious of what I consume.

Explored the link between nutrition and mental health

Mental health is actually linked to gut health, as much of our serotonin is produced in the gut. I have mild irritable bowel syndrome as well and I am told that this is entirely created by my anxiety. When your brain is broken-hearted information technology sends chemicals firing round the torso in a fight or flight response that affect our gut, and when our gut is unhealthy, nosotros don't get the nutrition we need to stay well physically and mentally.

Studies have besides shown that sure vitamin deficiencies tin cause mental illness. I know someone who had never had problems with his mental health just suddenly started getting bad anxiety out of nowhere, and when he went to the doctor, they found that he was dangerously depression in Vitamin D. Other vitamins you need to keep on top of for mental health are B vitamins, iron and magnesium. I try and make nutritionally varied meals now, take vitamins and avoid as well much junk food.

I never idea near nutrition and how important it was to give your trunk skilful food. I judged whether I was doing ok or not based on whether I'd put on weight or not.

Focused on getting a adept night's slumber

Sleep is something else that's then crucial to wellbeing. When I used to do all-nighters quite regularly, the combination of alcohol and no sleep used to bring on horrible anxiety symptoms for me. I would feel totally disassociated from reality the next day, would experience numb and hopeless, have terrifying center palpitations that made me experience like I was having a heart attack, and would sometimes hallucinate or accept night terrors.

This doesn't happen very often now after a dark out considering I take improve care of myself, but for me it highlights and so much how linked your body and listen are. So many feet symptoms are physiological, and lack of sleep causes feet because our brains can't function as well when nosotros are tired, and our reasoning and memory suffer.

In a decorated modern world, many of us take slumber for granted. I used to practise this a lot. I'm a night owl and it takes me nigh an hour to fall asleep usually. I don't like mornings and feel similar my brain is often active at night. So, my sleep self-care present usually involves going to bed at a regular time, trying to ensure I have viii hours, wearing ear plugs and removing stimulants (caffeine, screens) before bed!

Condign kinder to myself and improving my self-esteem

After making lifestyle changes, I realised that I all the same had more work to do to ameliorate my self-esteem and exist kinder to myself. I realised that I had nerveless a lot of friends that weren't practiced for me over the years – from trying to fit in to crowds that I was quite different from at school or at university in order to be liked.

Choosing to spend time with friends that are good for me

I realised some of my friends didn't share my values or interests, and that I didn't have a lot in common with them. I too felt that some friends scared or intimidated me and that I couldn't be myself effectually them. So, I decided to exist brave and break loose from people that I didn't really similar and who I felt didn't really like me either. This is quite a momentous matter to do, and when I did it with a large grouping of friends, I was terrified initially thinking I'd made a mistake, had been rash and may never observe more friends. Just the long-term effects of this conclusion have all actually been positive.

I am so much happier at present that I spend time with people who are more like me, friends I've made in work places that I take lots more than in common with, and sometime schoolhouse friends that know me inside out and bring out the best in me. It is really freeing and liberating to be with people who bring you up and not downward.

Recognising and removing myself from toxic relationships

You actually don't need to put yourself in toxic social situations. Information technology'due south empowering to choose who your real friends are. Having less, more than genuine friends is better than more, fake friends. When my life was all about socialising, being seen and being liked, ironically, I didn't feel that liked at all. Now that I am more secure in myself and do more of what I like, I feel like I have the all-time friends I've ever had.

You actually don't need to put yourself in toxic social situations. It's empowering to cull who your real friends are.

Thinking nigh what I deserved from a romantic relationship

The aforementioned is likewise true of partners. I've learnt quite late on in life that I've unknowingly been trapped in an anxious attachment fashion for years – never feeling adept enough for partners and always seeking their approving and subconsciously chasing people with an avoidant attachment style, who by nature do not like commitment.

I have had loving, caring partners too but as I've been unmarried again for the last couple of years, I've watched myself exist treated desperately past people who in hindsight didn't deserve me. And I'm now aware of how much more secure I have go in myself and what I look for in a partner – to forbid myself being mistreated in future.

Building on the relationship with myself

I spend a lot more time on my own these days, which as an introvert with a fleck of social anxiety, I recollect is of import to do. I am a sensitive, emotional person, and sometimes loud, crowded, decorated spaces total of people send me into a negative land of mind. Rather than always opting to go out drinking in my spare time, I now appoint in hobbies that I really love.

I used to feel like I wasn't very good at anything. I played the guitar at schoolhouse only never fully committed to it. I was good at art, merely I never thought I'd bear on doing it after A-levels. I was adept at sport too just sadly quit all the teams I was in at schoolhouse because I was going through a bad patch mentally and couldn't handle the social aspect of information technology.

Getting back to the hobbies I dearest

When I reached my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to go back into hobbies. I went snowboarding and wakeboarding for the showtime time and loved both. I decided to get dorsum into the guitar and properly practice, and at present I've reached an intermediate level which is actually rewarding. I also sing when I play and that is one of the all-time feelings in the earth. I decided to put my art skills to some use and experiment with abstruse painting and drawing.

I've been learning French for the past couple of years for the first time since GCSEs. I've reached Improvers level at ballet subsequently doing a few courses. I really savour writing, so alongside blogging for MHF I've started writing a screenplay.

All these things really improve my wellbeing merely I'm conscientious to set realistic targets with my hobbies as if you try and do also much it tin can lead to feelings of frustration and failure if yous don't achieve what yous hoped to.

All these things actually improve my wellbeing only I'm careful to set realistic targets with my hobbies as if you try and do besides much it can lead to feelings of frustration and failure if y'all don't achieve what yous hoped to. It's skilful to get the balance correct and not become too engrossed in something that information technology hinders other areas of your life. I know I can get carried abroad with painting so I only permit myself do it at weekends, as I was finding when I did it on weeknights a whole evening would go by and I wouldn't have eaten or annihilation.

Cocky-care has given my life more meaning and happiness

Self-intendance comes in lots of dissimilar forms. The steps I've taken to cocky-care have fabricated me a better person and given my life more meaning and happiness.

Looking subsequently myself is something I don't ever neglect anymore, and something I endeavour and prioritise when I'm feeling broken-hearted or depressed. I'll stay in and have a prissy bath or sentinel a motion picture if I'm downwards, rather than forcing myself to socialise.

Self-care is probably one of the most important things you lot can do. Without information technology we often don't have the strength to become the best versions of ourselves, and to me not being the best version of yourself seems like life's near wasted opportunity.

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Source: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/moving-self-destruct-self-care